Another Writing Nudge…I think


I’ve recently moved into a new house (that I LOVE) and I’m settling in when I remember an apartment that I have that I need to get the last of my furniture and belongings out of by Saturday (today) because the lease will be up. It’s an apartment I haven’t used in a long time and had forgotten about until today. I can’t imagine how I could have forgotten about it, but I’m glad I remembered, even though it now brings on great stress because I know I’ll need help (strong bodies to move things and a truck) and there’s not a lot of lead time to make that happen. I go to the apartment to look around and decide what to do.

I’m in the apartment, which feels like an old high rise building that hasn’t been updated in a very long time. I pull the sheer curtains aside on the window to my left and I can see another apartment complex that feels a lot like one that is very near me in real life and where I once lived (in real life) except that it has a clubhouse with a nice rooftop space. There appears to be a party going on on the rooftop. The women are dressed in fancy cocktail dresses with flouncy skirts, and I think to myself that it looks like a fun party.

I move away from the window and look around the room. There is sparse furniture that looks sort of art deco from the 70’s. It’s not placed well, mostly scattered around the room. I walk into another room and there are white cabinets from floor to ceiling. I pull open two doors that swing out like french doors and I see drawers, also white, that are the full width of the two cabinet doors I’ve opened. I pull one drawer open and it’s full of boxes of stationary, but it looks as though someone has run a roller of white paint over the top of the boxes. It’s like the cabinets and drawers were all painted, then the drawers were opened and the roller was run across so all the boxes have white paint on them, but I can still see that the boxes are navy blue and they have lettering on them, some with peoples’ names. One is the name of an old female acquaintance of mine (in real life). I open more drawers and find the same things. The boxes are varying sizes and with different names and “feelings” about them, but they’re all kind of covered in paint.

I pick out one box and open it. It conjures a memory – a story about someone. I think to myself that I need to get these boxes out of here before I run out of time. I don’t want to leave them behind.

Suddenly I’m outside at what may be a park, but there are groups of people here and there. There is a circle of chairs where several people are chatting. I’m walking toward something (not sure what, but I have a destination in mind) and as I pass the group in chairs, a woman looks my way. Our eyes meet and she waves at me as if to say Hello. I wave back. I know that I know her but can’t remember from where. I think about going back to ask her, but decide against it. I need to get where I’m going.

Now I’m back in the apartment. I’m in the first room with the scattered furniture. I look around and think, This is not my stuff. But I still know I need to get the boxes out of the drawers.

[End of Dream]

I woke up after this dream with my mouth wide open and breathing heavily…not panting or panicked, but like my body was trying to pull as much oxygen into my lungs as possible…like I hadn’t been getting enough. (Very sexy image, I know.) I was also very groggy. I drifted in and out of sleep and grog; each time I returned to grog I would think to myself, If I just close my mouth and breathe in through my nose I’ll get more oxygen to my brain and I’ll wake up.

I eventually forced myself awake. This is what happens when I take off my CPAP and then fall back to sleep. I obviously am not breathing properly, but I also have some very vivid dreams during this time.


  1. I’ve been trying (consciously) to get myself back to a regular writing practice. I’ve been telling myself I need to finish my memoir and maybe I might find an agent and publisher in the process.
  2. I recently bought a new house and quickly settled in. Within two weeks I had all boxes emptied and everything pretty well organized. It’s almost like I was getting ready for something.
  3. I had a house party just two days ago – not a cocktail dress party, but…could have contributed to this.
  4. I get a feeling that the woman who was sitting in the circle waving at me represented someone from my life. She had my mother’s coloring and build. And by the way, a lot of my story is about my relationship with my mother, so there’s that.
  5. I feel like the boxes in the drawers were stories I need to tell. I think it’s interesting that the cabinets and drawers are white and that the boxes are partially covered in white paint. Does that mean purity? Honesty? Truth? My truth?
  6. Shortly before I resumed using my CPAP machine, I had one of those dreams – I had been having a lot of vivid dreams toward the end of no-CPAP, which is probably because I wasn’t breathing well – but in this particular dream, when I awoke, the only thing I remembered were the words: My life depends on it. I immediately thought of my CPAP and decided that must be a sign, so I resumed using it that night.
  7. So what’s the part in this dream about running out of time or it being too late? Am I truly on a time limit? (Scary thought.) Or is it a message that I’ve put off telling my story long enough and it’s time to get moving because it’s what I’m supposed to be doing? (I prefer the latter explanation.) I guess I’ll find out eventually!

DREAM: Living In An Upscale House

I’m living in a house with several people, whom I never see throughout the dream, but I know they’re there. There is a “lady of the house” who makes all the decisions. The house is very nice, and I have a nice sized bedroom, very comfortable. One day I come across a new room that is under construction. The space is huge! I peek in the door. It is just a rough frame at this point, plywood on the floors and cutouts where a stairway will lead into the room. My thought is, “Wow! What a great space!” I spot a claw foot bathtub over in the corner and think, “I’ve always wanted one of those!”

As I’m looking in, another resident behind me tells me the lady of the house is showing it to me first. The implied message is that I will have first dibs on the space once it’s finished.

Later, I come back to the space and see that it is almost finished. As I walk through, I think to myself, “It’s beautiful, but someone else has made all the design decisions. If this is to be my space, shouldn’t I have a say?” At the same time, I’m thinking it’s actually okay with me, because I’m going to get to live in this beautiful space!

I walk to the back of the space where there is a door to the outside, which would be the back of the house. When I open it, I see four or five wooden steps that lead down to the beach. Bonus! My new room has a private exit that leads me directly to the beach! I notice there are several people outside on the dunes and there is a large tent. It’s a party, and I’m a part of it! I live here! I feel a sense of being home.


So I know that a house in a dream represents the inner self. Another relevant tidbit is that I’ve just gotten back into doing some work with a therapist. Yes, I’m seeing a therapist and I’m not afraid to say that out loud! It doesn’t mean I’m crazy. It means I’m smart! I’ve been stuck in some old patterns for a long time and I’m ready to move out of them – they no longer serve me!

So the primary message I’m getting from the dream is that I’m expanding in new and unexpected ways and I’m filling the new space I’m creating with some new “upscale” ideas about belonging and deserving to be recognized, accepted and loved.

Something else to think about…Lately it’s been on my mind how I struggle with the idea of living in an upscale house. With the exception of a couple of apartments I’ve rented over the years, I’ve always lived in fixer-upper types of spaces. I tell myself I don’t “need” all that fancy stuff, but I think deep down inside I believe I’d never be able to afford to live at that level. I’m still carrying around a sense of lack where my financial world is concerned, even though I’ve been doing very well for myself for quite a while. I guess I don’t trust it will continue, so I tell myself I wouldn’t want a brand new home anyway because new homes don’t have much character. And I tell myself that upgrading an older home isn’t in my future either. I’m a renter. My current landlord isn’t going to reno the house I’m in, and I refuse to pay for an upscale rental. So. I’ve got some work to do in this area.


DREAM: Trouble Letting Go

A little over a year after moving out of a three year live-in relationship with an alcoholic, I found myself still holding on. Having someone to hang out with who was familiar and — when sober — one of the most caring persons I had ever had a relationship with, was something I found very difficult to let go of.

E and I had always traveled well together and we both loved the beach, so when he invited me to join him on a business-related trip to the beach I was all in. I was sure he wouldn’t over-drink at a business function. He had always been very careful about keeping his drinking and professional lives separate.

While on the trip I had a couple days to myself while E was in sales meetings, so I had plenty of time to think about things. I also had a lot of wild dreams on this trip, as I was evidently struggling with the idea of being back in the relationship I had sworn a little over a year prior that I was leaving for good. Following are two of the dreams and my interpretations of them.

Dream 1:

I was in a relationship with someone new. New guy was in my bed. At the same time, I kept the living, talking head of my Ex on my dresser. It didn’t bother either me or new guy. We cuddled and had sex as though Ex wasn’t there. At some point the head on the dresser began to complain. It felt I was treating it unfairly.

One morning I awoke to find the head in my bed – under the covers – attempting to initiate sex with me. I jumped out of bed, grabbed hold of the opening at the base of its neck and swung hard, attempting to fling it back onto the dresser, but instead whacked the face of it against the front of the dresser. My next attempt was more successful — I returned the head to its place on top of the dresser, lying on one side, facing the bed. (This had been its original position.) It was angry that it had been tossed aside in favor of new guy. I told it to stay put. It answered back that it never strayed from the room…at least usually.

That began me thinking that it could be a threat…to me?…to new guy? I began to imagine this disembodied head bopping down the hallway into other areas of my home — surprise! It felt disturbing to me…something that caused me to worry.

Final note: Head on dresser and new guy appeared to be the same guy.


The alcoholic version of E is resentful that I’m not willing to accept him – I’m cramping his style. I’m still having a relationship with new E (vegan, fitness fanatic) but old E keeps popping up and I have to keep putting him in his place. This makes him more angry and resentful, and consequently more determined to be disruptive.

Meanwhile, I’m feeling anxiety, knowing I shouldn’t be in this relationship at all, but feeling unable to completely end it. At the core I know it’s not fair to either one of us — to me because I don’t deserve to have drunken behavior disrupt my life; to him because by my participation in this relationship at any level, I’m leading him on.

It became clear to me this weekend that E feels everything between us is fine. He asked me if I’d like to live in FL if he decides to pursue an opportunity presented to him by a sales leader on the trip. My answer to him was, “We don’t live together anymore. You need to make that decision for yourself.” I thought it interesting that I felt no emotion around the idea that he might move away from me. Was it because I didn’t believe he’d do it or am I just that disconnected from the current version of our “relationship”? His moving to FL would result in a clean and final cut…or would it? We “broke up” over a year ago and there I was, traveling with him, having sex with him, and still dealing with his drunken behavior, albeit not as often. By morning E had come up with a reason not to pursue the job.

It’s easier to stay together. The work comes in leaving — drawing the line, which leads to heartache, and going through the process of starting over.


Dream 2:

I’m living in a very high end condo/apartment that is housed in a mall-like structure. It’s like there are living quarters, a hair salon, shopping — all in one high-rise complex. I am very happy there — really enjoying my life. But I have the sense that someone — or possibly several someones — aren’t happy for me.

At some point I’m pedaling my bicycle up a hill. I’m on my way to visit possibly an old neighborhood of mine to pick something up. I realize after cresting the hill – which was no easy feat, as there was snow or mud or something equally hazardous on the road – that I was going to need a vehicle, possibly a truck in order to bring back whatever I was going after.

I decided that rather than bike back down the treacherous hill to get my car I would prop the bike against the guardrail there and walk down. I begin walking down the hill toward my condo. Then I wake up.


There are things I’m doing now — and things I want to do — that someone in my life is envious of. This person is very good at sharing her drama with me when I’m in a place of really enjoying my life. She’s in a bad relationship — which is providing her fulfillment at some level — possibly in acting as victim. I’ve been bad to this point about empathizing and attempting to “fix” her life for her.

She phoned me last evening as I was out with E for dinner. My message to her on that call was “You’re the only one who can make this stop.”

I know now that the best thing I can do for her is let her handle it and just be there for her if she decides to make a move. But I also know she won’t be making any moves any time soon. The irony — and sadness — of the situation is that she is having trouble letting go.

DREAM: Recurring Highway Scene

I had a dream the other night that included a highway scene that was strangely familiar. I don’t remember other parts of the dream, only being on this highway.

There were lots of criss-crosses and ups and downs – kind of like a roller coaster for cars. As I drove along the tangle of roads, I got into a wrong lane, which forced me to exit at the wrong place. The only way to fix it was to circle back around the whole mess so I could get back into the correct lane so that I could take the exit that would take me to my intended destination. This loop I had to take took me miles out of my way and cost me a lot of time. I was frustrated.

The general message I get from this segment of dream is that I am off track and running behind.

When I woke from the dream I thought, That highway scene was familiar. I wonder where it’s from? I searched my brain trying to remember when and where in my past I had seen – and driven – that cluster of highway. Was it Binghamton, NY where I spent my mid-20’s to late 30’s? Definitely not. Was it Harrisburg, PA where I spent my teens and early 20’s? Possibly. It had the appropriate feel for that area of the country, but I couldn’t place it in my mind. I Google-Mapped. Nothing.

As I continued to ponder the origin of this memory, it struck me that this felt more like a recurring dream than a real place. And I believe that to be true. Now that I’ve thought about it even more, I am convinced I have dreamt about this jumble of highway not just once, but multiple times over a period of many years, and even though I don’t remember the remaining details of my recent dream, I get the feeling the other bits and pieces of the other dreams were much different. Not because I remember them, but because it feels that way. I am guessing this scene has played in my dreams at least three times, and the first two times were long ago – maybe 10 to 15 years.

What an interesting phenomenon, not just that my mind created this highway system once, but that it has reused that dream segment several times over many years! This is the stuff of…dreams. (Ha!) The mysterious bits and pieces…video clips that are strung together in seemingly random ways that sometimes provide insight into our subconscious – and sometimes just confuse!

Have you had recurring dreams over the years? Have you had scenes replay over a period of years? Do you gain insight from your dreams? I’d love to hear your stories!

DREAM: Nobody Cares What I Want

A few months ago I had a dream that rattled me a bit. It took me a while to get over it and feel comfortable posting it. Here it is:

I was at a house where I was going to meet my sisters and my mother. We were apparently going to vacation together. I had gotten there a day or so ahead of everyone, so I settled into one of the rooms. In this room there was a soaker tub, which is one of my favorite things. (Odd that it was inside a bedroom, but…)

I had gone out on the day that everyone else arrived, and when I came back, I went back to the room I had been using and found that the tub had been moved to another wall in the room and where it had been there was a shower with a very shallow tub.

“You moved the tub?” I said to Mother, incredulously.

“Yes,” she said. “I wanted a shower.”

“Is the tub even connected?”

“No. We don’t need it.”

I cry in wracking sobs! It feels like my insides have been turned inside out. Why doesn’t anyone care what I want?

I know I have to get out of there and be alone for a while. I leave and find myself driving along a street where I am swept into a set of driving tracks much like those on an automatic car wash. There is water rushing through the street. At first I am scared about my car being dragged along in all this water, but then realize it is a sort of amusement park ride. Next thing I know my car is being pulled up a ramp and I’m having a blast riding along and watching the attractions as I pass them by.

Now I’m back at the house, standing in my room. I notice my dressing table is gone. I look around and find it smashed. I address my mother again. “Why did you do this?” She shrugs and smirks, as if to say, “Because I wanted to, so what?”

Once again, I’m feeling heartbroken that nobody seems to care what I want.


What immediately comes to mind is that I’m going through a transition where I am leaving a job I have held for 5 plus years where I built a lot of structure around documentation and process and I  know that when I walk out the door there’s a good chance some – or maybe much – of the work I’ve done will be tossed aside for something better. Of course this sort of thing happens all the time, but I’ve also been struggling lately with the feeling that my team doesn’t appreciate the work I’ve done. We always joke that this type of work is thankless, but to me it’s important, and it’s difficult to accept that others don’t feel that way.

Regarding my going off on my own and having a blast, I am leaving my job to do more artistic work, which I know I will enjoy immensely.

My mother being the antagonist in this dream is fitting. The other parallel to my life is my mother not being concerned about my feelings, and even taunting me with that sentiment at times. A particular scene comes to mind where I had traded something from my school lunchbox for a chocolate Jello pudding cup, something Mother never bought. I was so excited to have successfully negotiated the trade that I saved the pudding so I could savor it after school. Shortly after I returned home, I happened to be passing Mother’s bedroom and caught sight of her eating something in a familiar looking plastic cup. I stopped, aghast, and demanded, “Where did you get that?” “From your lunchbox,” she said, as she joyfully licked the spoon. I stood, frozen, knowing there was nothing I could say or do that would benefit me. Crestfallen, I turned and walked away.

Have you had experiences where you felt unappreciated and uncared for on the job or at home? Did it come up for you in a dream?

DREAM: Swaddled Baby

I’ve stopped to visit with some friends at an open air restaurant. (In real life, they are my former colleagues at the job I just left.) I’m so excited to show them my new baby – she is the love of my life! I sit down with them and begin to show her off, then decide I need to use the ladies room. I leave my swaddled baby with my friends and head off. As I’m leaving the ladies room I realize I don’t have my purse. Did I leave it at the table? In the stall? After thinking about it, I’m sure I had it with me when I entered the restroom. I head back to the stall I used and a young lady is coming out. I don’t see her carrying my purse. I pass a couple others on my way back and I’m checking them each out to see if they could have it stuffed under a coat or shirt. I get back to the stall and it’s not there. Now I’m thinking – maybe it was on the counter at the sink and I just overlooked it. I return to the sink. No purse. I’m worried about the bag and my phone being lost. I’ve spent such a long time here and now I’m worried about leaving my baby for so long. I return to the table to find my friends have all gone. Where is my baby?

Now I’m on a bus with my swaddled baby and I’m holding her up against me. She is so precious! Suddenly there is someone – a blonde woman – who is after me. She wants my baby! I must protect her! The woman has brought men with guns and they are shooting at the bus and are going to board it and take my baby! I pass my baby to one of my older children (my real daughter) thinking the woman won’t go after her. I will get off the bus to safety and then retrieve my baby. I leave the bus through the back door and am hiding, trying to navigate to a place where I can have my daughter hand the baby to me through a window. I never get there before the dream moves on. (Interesting side note: At some point in all this drama my daughter says something to me about how attentive I am with this baby. I say to her, I want to get it right this time!)

Now I’m in a house and there are other people there with me. Friends? Family? I have my swaddled baby with me again, but I want to keep her safe and out of the way, so I put her in a small wooden crate – like the kind you would buy at a craft store to decorate your home. She fits perfectly inside the crate. In order to keep her disguised, I set a book on top of her. As I’m interacting with the other people in the house I keep thinking about how she is in this box and I’m worried that the book is too heavy. Am I suffocating my baby?


Wow – this one is full of metaphor, but one central message. The baby is my book! This represents all the distractions I allow to keep me from spending time on my book! The comment to my daughter in the bus scene has to do with this being the second time I have taken a break from my career, and this time I want to spend my time in the right way. The blonde woman wanting to take my baby represents how I tend to sabotage myself and my dreams. I believe the baby always being swaddled represents my fear of putting my book out there. What will people think?

DREAM: Giving Me Room to Write My Story

Originally Published August 9, 2015

Sometimes the Universe sends messages subtly, sometimes it wakes you up with a thump on the head. Early this morning I got a thump . Not an actual thump, of course, but a dream that contained a message that was meant for me and was said in very clear, specific words.

Yesterday had been very full with house cleaning and erranding, and ended in a soiree with several dear friends. It had been a lovely day and evening, and at 11:00 p.m. I was happily exhausted, so sleep came easily. Always appreciated!

Unfortunately, at 1:33 a.m., I was rudely awakened. I’ve been having issues lately with anxiety, and it was the familiar tingling in my chest that woke me. That, and the phrase spoken to me at the end of the dream.

Let’s start…at the beginning.

The supporting character in my dream is a tall, blonde, male actor – probably now in his 60’s – whose name I cannot come up with, even after several online searches. Moving on.

For the entire the dream I am in a house that is very non-descript. I do not see furniture. It is not a house from my real life. It is just a bunch of dark rooms connected by a single, dark hallway. I move back and forth between two rooms in the beginning and can’t seem to find focus, primarily due to a heavy sense of guilt.

The aforementioned actor is in the house with me, but I do not interact with him much. The feelings with which I’m struggling have to do with being in this house with my new actor friend, and not giving him the attention he deserves. At the same time I am struggling with some uncomfortable feelings about a former lover. This is someone I no longer have in my life, but for some reason I am holding onto feelings of sadness for how that person may be feeling or what they may be going through. I worry that I am spending too much time dwelling on the former relationship to the detriment of the new one.

Toward the end of the dream I stay mostly in the hallways, between rooms. In the final scene, I come to the room where the actor has been the entire time and he says to me, “I’m giving you time to write your story.”

I immediately experience a feeling of relief. He does not want to pressure me. He is giving me space to do what I need to do. There is no need for guilt here.


First, the obvious message: I need to write my story. Don’t worry about, don’t think too hard about it, just do it.

In the first week after leaving my corporate job I focused on some personal business as well as some administrative work related to my art business. I left writing at the end of my list – as always. Now I know I must be sure to factor in plenty of time for writing. I have a rough draft manuscript that desperately needs a final run-through. I must allow room for this work.

Next, symbolism in dreams fascinates me! The general consensus among dreamologists is that a house represents you. Different rooms have different meanings, but since none of the rooms in my house were distinct – I couldn’t tell if they were bedrooms, living rooms, etc. – I interpret this to mean the hallway was the only space of significance in this house. On the website, I found the following:

To see a hallway in your dream symbolizes self exploration. It is the beginning of the path that you are taking in life. You are going through a transitional phase and journeying into the unknown. It also signals spiritual enlightenment, emotional growth physical prowess, new opportunities and mental passages in your life.

Regarding the guilt and the “former lover.” A true former lover? Maybe. But there were also hints of work-related tasks in my dream. Nothing I can remember vividly, but they were there. So I believe the former lover in my dream represents the corporate job I recently left. A job that I loved. Over the months leading up to my departure – and apparently, even after leaving – I’ve struggled with whether the timing of my departure was appropriate for the colleagues who now own that body of work. Did I do enough before I left? Did I share enough information with them? My dream is telling me it doesn’t matter. It’s fine. Move on.

Dream: Getting Ready to Date

I am in a room full of people who are watching a live music performance. The room is set up with performance seating in front of the stage, then a wide aisle way between that seating and some random tables at the back.

I have been standing with a small group in the table section, but I decide I’d like to move closer to the stage so I can focus on listening to the music.

I don’t want to sit in the performance seating – it’s too crowded there. I see three folding chairs that have been lined up at the back of the aisle way between the seating and the tables. I sit in the chair on the left. After a minute, my friend George sits in the chair just to my right, but then shortly after asks if I will mind if he moves to the seating closer to the stage. I tell him to go ahead – I’m fine being here on my own. Just then I notice a very attractive, petite woman has taken the third seat, furthest to the right. George’s empty seat is between us. I turn my attention to the musicians on stage.

After a few minutes I turn my gaze to the right side of the room, scanning from the stage toward the front of the room. My eyes meet a guy whom I have met before (within the context of this dream) several times. It flashes to me at this time that each time has been just a quick encounter, and always with a strong feeling of connection. He is walking from the front of the room to the back, apparently on a mission, but when our eyes meet, he stops, backs up, and heads toward me. Big smile on his face. I smile in return. I am pleased he is happy to see me. He is tall, reasonably fit, with blonde hair and bright eyes. As he approaches, he literally crawls over the petite woman seated two chairs over and then onto the chair next to me. He is now lying, stomach down, with his legs on the woman and his torso on the other chair, propped up on his elbows. Somehow this puts his face at the same level with mine. I do not notice any expression or reaction from the other woman. My eyes are locked with Blondie’s. He leans toward me and plants a very deliberate, solid kiss on my lips, holding it for a few seconds for emphasis. When he pulls away, still smiling, he says, “Hello.” I say “Hello.” (smiling)

Now I am in a room upstairs, with my ex. We have been “just friends” for quite awhile, but he has always had a hard time with that. Ex is always wanting to “hang out” with me, and people who see us together assume we’re dating. This concerns me now (in my dream) because Blondie is downstairs and I don’t want him to get the wrong impression.

I do my best to convince Ex that he needs to leave; I want to spend this evening with my friends (who are not directly his friends). I tell him that I have met someone I may want to date, and I don’t want it to be awkward for him. He agrees to leave. I follow him down the stairs, and at the landing he pauses to chat with a couple of random people. Just as I reach the landing, he sobs, “My friend and I just broke up!” and then turns and leaves the building.

I am panicked, as my eyes search the room for Blondie. Where is he? Did he hear? Is there a need for damage control?

End of dream


This one is obvious to me – and I’m sure to anyone else reading. I am finally ready to date. But – it’s been three years since I moved out of my Ex’s house, and he is still hanging around and demanding my attention. While I will admit that I allowed lines to be crossed a couple of times in the first year or two, I have been very firm on boundaries for well over a year. It is an exhausting role at times, but I now know I cannot go back. That door has closed for me completely. I love my Ex. I genuinely care about what happens to him, and enjoy his company now and then. I am not “in love” with my Ex. I am ready to move forward into a new relationship.

I’m sure George is a part of this dream because the day after a recent party at my home, I got a text from my Ex asking if George was my new “boy toy.” I assured him he was not, and Ex said, “Okay, just wanting to get a lay of the land.”

It appears I won’t be able to date with my Ex still in my life. This may sound like a no-brainer to most, but I know people who have been able to stay friends of their ex’s. I guess it’s just not for me.

Dream: Late For The Wedding

This was a dream within a dream. In the dream I dreamt that I was to be the bridesmaid in a wedding and on the day of the wedding kept getting delayed in one way or another…going down the wrong street, getting lost, passing streets and doorways that I should have been familiar with…and sliding in just in time, but other members of the wedding party had had to do much of what I felt was my responsibility as the maid of honor.

In this dream, I awoke and realized it was a dream and was very relieved, because I was, in fact, to be the maid of honor in a wedding. And as luck would have it, I proceeded to have the same experience as I had dreamt (in my dream)…getting lost, missing obvious signposts and doorways, etc., and getting to the wedding almost too late.

Peppered throughout my dream were references to people from my past with whom I have not kept in touch. One specifically was a guy who had reported to me at one time and in this dream (the second version, where I was supposedly awake), he was along for the ride, trying to help me, but not able to help which I believe is because I was “calling the shots” and not following his suggestions. He just laid low and let me go through my motions and was always there along the way, even as I arrived at the location of the wedding, obviously very late.


Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about my writing and the fact that I haven’t published “my book” yet…and that I’m now 50 years old, and hoping I’ll get my act together and regain my focus soon because I feel my time is running out. I’m 50. People in my “circle” are beginning to drop off, and I wonder if I’ve wasted too much of my time. Am I “too late for the wedding?”

In my dream people are depending on my and I’m not getting to the place I need to be. Is that a suggestion that I – in my non-dream life – am not getting to the place I need to be?

Lately the first lines of a poem I wrote when I was a 14 keeps running through my head. “Poor Sadie was a simple child, her parents died so young. She thought her sad life over before it had begun.” I wonder if it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. I hope not.


Poor Sadie was a simple child, her parents died so young;

She thought her sad life over before it had begun.

She lived through all her writings, the thoughts she held inside;

But if someone should come near, her feelings she would hide.

She wrote of things that pleased her and things misunderstood;

Hoping that somehow, someday, her thoughts would do some good.

She thought so much her head ached, but she wrote down every line;

And if a thought was hidden it came to her in time.

As she grew her thoughts expanded with every passing day;

And she carefully thought each detail as she wrote her life away.

She wrote like this for years, though it seemed so short a time;

For life was such a word, that it needed more than lines.

And when her time had come, she noticed much too late;

Her words had helped no one, and age had closed the gate.

What she had left were feelings, in her attic to remain;

And so poor Sadie left this world as quietly as she came.

Dream: He Doesn’t Need Me Anymore

Though I don’t really know them, within the context of my dream, the people I was with were co-workers. We’re traveling back to (office? party location?) where we started our trip and we’re all in a yellow school bus. As we drive along, I see along the side of the road, my ex “John,” who (in my dream) I know has some sort of debilitating disease – something like MS – so that he’s in a wheelchair – slowly losing muscle control over a period of time. When he was healthy he was very athletic (in real life he’s an avid bicyclist).

In this roadside scene, John is out for a “ride/race” in his wheelchair and has gotten as far as he can considering the road conditions, so he has stopped and making his way into some other sort of box with wheels contraption, which I understand to be a kind of transfer vehicle to get him past whatever is in his way in the road. There are people there helping him. (That is the key message here, by the way.) As we pass him in our bus I see him, but don’t tell anyone I know him or that I’ve noticed him. But…I immediately begin to worry about him and feel guilty about not being there for him.

After we arrive back to our base location (office/party location) I find myself on my own – other co-workers are congregating in another area of the space – so I feel like it will be safe for me to “wander” downtown to the area where I expect John to be…so I can check up on him and make sure he’s okay. I know where he lives – in an old apartment downtown. The town in my dream is older and the apartments seem a bit run down there. John lives in a second floor apartment – over a bar. (Interesting, since in real life “John” is an alcoholic.)

As I head down the street to search out John, I’m taking a “back alley” or back hallway kind of route. It’s kind of a street fair atmosphere…there are lots of vignettes of carnival-like things and I stop at some on the way, but I’m mostly looking in from the back side of them or wandering through them, but not really participating. I have a sense of being invisible/behind the scenes so the people who are participating don’t know I’m there.

About half way there I run into a (true) former co-worker of mine. I see her inside one of the carnival vignettes and think to myself that…since she’s alone…maybe it would be safe to reveal myself to her so I would have someone to talk to about…things. I approach her and we begin talking…about nothing in particular…and we continue moving together down the street, but now we’re actually in the streets as we go.


I don’t think I ever make it to John, but the general feeling around this dream was that I was feeling guilty for not “being there” for John, but at the same time, I knew there were other people helping him along and so he was doing just fine without me.