Okay, there was the kid thing. In the end it probably would have been a show stopper for me anyway. But he didn’t know about the kid thing because the first (and only) telephone conversation we had was “all about him.”
Of course, after exploring his blog, which he had directed me to do in his first email to me, there were certain questions I was going to have to ask…how old are your sons…how often do you see them…what is your relationship with your ex-wife…you know the drill. I needed to know these things so that I could get a sense of how “available” he would be for a relationship.
But I really had no problem allowing our first conversation to be all about him. We talked on his ride home from work one night, where he explained that one of his sons was waiting for him to arrive home because he needed help with his homework, (I thought that was sweet) so we would only be able to talk as long as he was driving (not a problem).
So by the time he arrived home I had learned several things about him, but we hadn’t talked much about me. (Again, that was fine with me. We could get to that later.) And although his living arrangements, as he described them, were a bit unconventional, I was able to buy into the rationale behind them.
In the end, it sounded to me like he really was interested in having a relationship with someone, and it also sounded like he might be at least somewhat interested in getting to know me.
But somehow that never happened. I never got to tell him about my two grown daughters and my two year old grand daughter. And we never discussed what dating a man with young kids would mean to me or what dating a woman with two grown children would mean to him.
Right about now you might be wondering, “What made you think he truly was interested in you?” Well, I guess it was the fact that he seemed genuinely concerned that I know he was “real” and honest and that I knew exactly what I was dealing with. That, and the lengthy email he sent me the next morning, explaining again why he had presented me with so much information on our call.
From my side, I felt that not only had I finally met someone capable of complex thought, but that someone also appeared kind, compassionate and responsible. It was so refreshing to experience this that I was willing to overlook the “kid thing” up front and allow myself to consider the whole package.
Through our emails and IMs I had come to the conclusion that we were fairly compatible in terms of our philosophies on life. Though we hadn’t talked about it specifically, I felt he may have studied Law of Attraction or would at least be in alignment with it, were he ever introduced to that philosophy.
So, what confuses me is…I’m not sure how we went from (he) “Let’s get into that topic of passion sometime, ok? :)” to…absolute and total silence. Was my comment “You sound pretty busy, so I’ll leave it up to you to call me when you’ve got time to talk” a signal to him that I was no longer interested? Did he feel that was his cue to disappear? (She thinks I’m too busy.) It was Friday and he had just sent me an email listing all the things he had to do that day, ending with “and kids tonight…” My intention had been to give him whatever level of space he needed.
After three days of no email and no phone call, I realized I had been wrong. We clearly had been on very different pages. And though I was curious to know what had caused his change of heart, I decided that sending an email or calling at that point would come across as desperate.
I do have to wonder, though, how and/or why this sort of thing seems to happen with me, over and over again. I “meet” someone online, we email a few times, maybe we do a little IM-ing, then a phone call or two and then…(are those crickets I hear?)
If I allow myself to believe this is happening because I’m a bad person, I will only set myself back years in therapy, and in the end still won’t have resolved the issue. But there is another possiblity I could entertain.
According to the teachings of Abraham (Jerry & Esther Hicks – Law of Attraction) “Every being is always receiving that which is a vibrational match to whatever they are offering.” Excerpted from the workshop in Lincroft, NJ on Tuesday, October 15th, 1996 .
If I were to apply this philosophy to my current dating situation, I would have to conclude that I don’t really want to date. To illustrate, I have consistently thought to myself, and said repeatedly to many of my friends, that I’m very happy with my life now, and I couldn’t be sure I’d have time to date, should I have the opportunity. And besides, it would probably just mess things up anyway, so why would I want to introduce that into my life at this point? According to Abraham,that would be part of my truth. So for this area of my life, that is the vibration I am sending out into the Universe.
So why do I even bother putting myself out there on online dating sites? Well…I do occasionally feel…not lonely…and not really bored, because I do keep myself very busy, but every once in awhile I just feel like I’m missing something. (That’s not the same as being lonely, right?) It’s like I’m supposed to be sharing my life…my passions…my joy…with someone, so I need to do something about finding that someone. And, after all, I have friends who meet lots of men through dating sites, so why not me?
So about every six months…for one or two months because that’s all the frustration and disappointment I can take at one time…I’ll throw a profile out on a couple of sites and see what happens. Here’s how it typically goes:
I’ll sign up under some special offer, or find a “free” site to try out. I’ll experiment with different forms of content, sometimes being very specific, other times more vague; testing different photos – or refusing to post any photos at all.
I do all this in the hope that somehow I will come up with the perfect formula that will result in Mr. Right stumbling onto my profile…because I really don’t want to be doing this anyway, so I’d like to cut through the crap and just meet the guy.
In the beginning, I might send out some introduction emails to a few men whose profiles sound interesting to me, but I don’t usually get a reply. So then I just wait, and eventually someone will find me. Unfortunately, most of the men who find me can’t string together a sentence without snippets like “I done…(this or that)”, and they typically don’t have many teeth.
But every once in awhile I will “get lucky” and find an email in my Inbox from someone who comes across as genuine and intelligent. When I do finally get a hit from a gem like this, I will send a return email right away. Then we’ll email back and forth a few more times, maybe do a little IM-ing, and eventually move on to a phone call, and within a few days of meeting online – hopefully – we will set a date to meet in person.
Of course, this is the fantasy version of this story, where we hit it off in our first meeting; our lives lining up perfectly, each of us finding the perfect level of chemistry and requiring the same amount of individual space and cuddle time. And then, as the story goes…we live happily ever after.
What really happens is more like this:
Somewhere during the process of emailing, IM-ing and/or phone calling, something happens. There’s a blip in the signal or who knows what…and…poof! He’s gone! No explanation, he’s just gone. I might send an email asking if he’s still there, but I probably won’t get a response. And I’ll have no idea what happened.
I think that’s the difference between women and men. Women will typically let the guy know if they don’t feel a connection or have some other reason for not wanting to continue a conversation or have a second date. They may not be entirely honest in their explanation of why they feel this way, but they will at least offer an explanation. And often times they will want to leave the door open for a friendship. But I guess guys don’t work that way. They prefer to go silent.
But I digress. Back to my theory on my dating experiences via Law of Attraction.
The entire time I’m going through the process of editing profiles and searching for interesting men, I know in the back of my mind that “it’s just not gonna work.” Why? Because online dating doesn’t work for me. I don’t know why. I probably never will know why. If I think back to the last three or four guys I’ve dated, I met them either through some sort of social group or through a friend. I have never had an online dating experience that has lasted longer than a single meeting over a single a cup of coffee. That’s just the way it is for me.
So…is my lack of success with online dating due to inaccuracies in my profile…things I’ve said (or maybe implied) through emails or phone conversations…or for some other reason related to the online medium? Or is it true that what I am receiving is a vibrational match for me at this point? I guess the only way to test this is for me to turn my negative thoughts into positive ones, and, as Abraham teaches, focus on the “wants” instead of the “don’t wants.” I’ll let you know what I find out…
Mel Erickson: Writer, Traveler, Observer, Occasional Deep Thinker 